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Treasure Island Christmas - a Wacky Christmas Pirate Play.
Adapted for the stage by Kim Williamson

"Crazy Christmas comedy adaptation of the classic tale for the whole family to enjoy".


Length: 100 Minutes
Cast: 20 Actors, most roles interchangable between male and female. Cast can be increased with extra's in group scenes.
Genre: Comedy
Audience: Children and Family

About the Play: This new "wacky adaptation" of the classic tale is sure to delight children of all ages! Join Janie on her adventure to find Treasure Island while staying out of the clutches of comic pirates, crazy shipmates and scatter-brained castaways. Hilarious, high energy entertainment.

This is an ideal play for a Christian High School, Christian theatre groups or Church theatre group to produce.

About the Playwright

Kim Williamson is an experienced actor, director and writer. She is Director of Detour Community Theatre and has had a number of her original works produced including a number that are available here at Christian Plays.


Price: $35

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Following are excerpts from the script...
SCENE 1

Mother
(enters) Bartholomew! Bartholomew? (to audience) You haven’t seen my little boy have you? His name is Bartholomew. Oh dear, where has he gone? I hope he isn’t lost. He doesn’t like the dark. Don’t tell anyone this, but he still takes his teddy bear to bed with him. Oh, where is he? (yells) Bartholomew!!!!

Captain
(enters) Mother? Mother! What are you yelling for? And don’t call me Bartholomew!

Mother
Bartholomew! There you are!(tries to kiss him)

Captain
Mother, please! Not here. What will the kids think?

Mother
Now, the reason I came down is to bring this (produces his teddy) You forgot Mr Cuddlywinkles!

Captain
Mother! Not in front of the kids!

Mother
Oh. Shall I take him home then?

Captain
No! (hides teddy behind his back) I’ll er...take care of him

Mother
All right then, dear. I’ll be off. Now, sail safely and keep warm! And don’t forget to change your underwear! Honestly, what will people think if your ship goes down and you’ve got grubby grundies!

....scene continues.

Excerpt from Act II, SCENE 1 and 2
Mother
I’ve just got a Christmas card from my boy. (reads) ‘Dear Mummy’ -aahhh- ‘having a whale of a time’ - hahaha, whale, he’s so witty - ‘the crew are great fun, and we are all getting on well, even though we have been at sea for such a long time. We should be coming into sight of our destination any day now. Will write again soon. Have a lovely Christmas. Your loving Son’ (to audience) I’ve known for quite a while that he is a pirate. He thinks I don’t know, and that I would be sad if I found out. But a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, and all of that. It’s not so bad being a Pirate’s Mother. And if he can find the treasure, it will be a wonderful bonus. Now, I’m going to finish my list. I’m making a list of all the things I can buy if Bartholomew finds the treasure. You can help me. What would you buy if you had a lot of treasure? (respond to audience) That’s helped a lot, thanks. And of course, we can’t forget ‘world peace’. My son knows how important it is to get along with others. See ya then (exits).

ACT TWO, SCENE 2 Excerpt...
(on the ship)
Captain
I hate you all!

Janie
Captain, you don’t mean that

Captain
I do! And I especially hate you! Always trying to make me do the right thing. ‘Be kind to others, don’t be mean, blah blah blah’. I’m sick of it. I am a Pirate Captain! We are supposed to be mean and nasty. We are supposed to steal from others, and make people walk the gangplank, and other mean and nasty stuff! So leave me alone!

Janie
(thumbs down) Booo! Your trouble is that you only think of yourself. It's Christmas day. What about that whole speech you did about family and needing one another

Captain
That wasn’t for me, that was for them. I don’t need people. I’m like a rock, an island.

Janie
And when a tidal wave comes you have got nothing to protect you!

Captain
What do you know? You’re just a girl

Janie
Don’t start that again......

Slyman
(enters ringing dinner bell) Merry Christmas. Grubs up! (Mor and Ron bring in a large pot. Crew start lining up with plates and are dished a blob of gunge).

Captain
Cookie! You call this Christmas dinner? This food is disgusting!

Slyman
Sorry Captain, we are running out of supplies. If we don’t get there soon, we will run out of food

Ron
(screams) We’re all gonna die!

Mor
Ron! Settle down. Look (pulls out a packet of Mints) We’ll be fine.

Ron
Sorry everyone, we’re not all gonna die.

Captain/Slyman/FM
I am surrounded by morons.

Captain
I’m going to my cabin. Jimbo, I want you to......

Ron
(looks off, screams) We’re all gonna die!

Captain
If you do that again.......

Janie
Look Captain. A storm is coming, a big storm!

Captain
Mr (FM) prepare for a storm. A big storm! (exits).

First Mate
Aye, aye Cap’n. All hands on deck. Batten down the hatches! Trim the mains’l! Stow the rig! Get to it ya landlubbers! Bring ‘er round. We’ll face the storm. Clear the decks. She’s on us!

Mother
(enters, whistles, all on stage freeze looking at storm. To audience) Right, now we need to make a large storm and we wondered if you could help. You can? Great. What are some storm noises? (wind, rain, thunder, lightening) OK. So I’m going to divide you into sections (get each section to practice their noises, then all together) Now, when I whistle I want you to make the loudest storm you can, and then finish when I blow the whistle again. Ready? (whistle. Those on stage unfreeze and ride out the storm. Noise from audience can be encouraged by Mother. Blow whistle to finish).

First Mate
By the powers! That was a mighty storm. Right, check the sails and rigging. Report any damage or injuries to me. Heading nor’nor’west. Full and by.

Pirate 1
Land! Land Ahoy!

....scene continues.

Excerpt from Final Scene...
Janie
(thumbs down) Booooooo! You are both unkind and mean. Black Bart. John Slyman.
You are brothers!

Ben
Slyman? Silver, you mean. That’s Long John Silver.

All
No!

Ben
Yes.

All
No!!

Janie
The man with the wooden leg!

Ben
Yes! Look (bashes leg with stick).

Slyman
Aaaaaaaaarggghhhhhhh!!!!!!

Ben
Oops, sorry, I always forget which leg it is (hits other leg which makes wooden sound).

Captain & Slyman
Give us the treasure!

Janie
You are still brothers. You shouldn’t fight!

Ben
The girl is right.

FM & Pirates
Girl?!

Ben
We are brothers and it is Christmas. So I will happily share the treasure with you.

Captain
Good lad.

Slyman
I’ve always liked you best.

Ben
Go get the treasure, team (Castaways exit and enter with large chest) Here it is. But you must promise to divide it equally amongst us all.

All
YAY!

Captain
Out of my way! (opens chest) Aye?

Slyman
It’s empty! What have you done with the treasure, Ben?

Janie
It’s not empty, there’s a note.

Captain
Well read it, read it!

Janie
To the finder of this treasure
Allow me the pleasure
Of introducing me and my plan
Ever since you all were born
As a Mother I’ve been torn
As to how to make you one happy clan

So a Pirate I became
Captain Flint was my name
To lead you on a clear and steady way
It’s the desire of a Mother
To help brother to love brother
To be caring, kind and loving day by day

So the only treasure.........

Mother
(enters) So the only treasure here
Is it's Christmas and you are near
And are working together as one
And my dream for you kids three
Is a family you will be
If that happens then my work is done

Ben
Hi Mum.

Castaways
Hi Mum!

Captain
Mummy?

Slyman
You!

Mother
I knew you were all jealous of each other, so I thought that this would be a way to bring you together. There is no greater treasure than family and friends. And families should be together at Christmas. I love you, kids. Come here! (they hug! Then whole cast piles on for a full-on group hug. To audience) Remember children, be kind to one another, and you will always have friends wherever you go.

Janie
And they all lived....

All
....happily ever after (thumbs up) YAY!!!!!!

Cast sings We Wish You A Merry Christmas during bow

Captain
Mother! It won’t matter if my undies are clean or dirty, will it? They will be wet!

Mother
Alright dear, no need to get your knickers in a knot! Now, when are you heading off?

Captain
(Janie enters with Rosey following) I just need a few more crew members. Some young lads to do the dirty work

Janie
Hi there! I heard you say you needed some crew members. I’ve always wanted to sail the seven seas, smell the salt-laden air and fight pirates!

Rosey
Me too

Janie
Rosey, go home

Mother
Pirates? Where?

Captain
It’s ok Mother. There aren’t any pirates around here. What are you talking about lad? Pirates! No pirates around here! I am a reputable ship’s Captain of a reputable ship’s ....er...ship

Janie
That’s ok. If there are any pirates, I’ll sort them out (draws sword) With a (swish) and a (swish) No pirate will get passed me. I’m the best pirate fighter.....(Captain covers her mouth)

Rosey
(copies) Me too!

Captain
Shhhhhhhhh

Janie
Rosey, go home

Mother
(frightened) Pirates!!!!

Captain
What a lot of nonsense! Can’t ya see you’re making me Mother nervous, lad. Wait a minute! You’re not a lad! You’re a lass! Ewww - girls! I’m not taking a girl on my ship. It’s bad luck! Besides, you might have girl germs.

Janie
What a lot of nonsense. Who told you that rubbish?

Captain
My Mother did, and she knows everything!

Janie
I doubt it. What a stupid thing to tell a person. And why are you still listening to your Mother? (Mother starts to seethe, and then tries to grab Janie by throat, but is held back by Captain) You are a big grown-up, you can think for yourself, not listen to lies your Mummy tells you. What do you think? (turns to see fight in background) Oooops. Me and my big mouth.

Mother
Come here you little upstart! I’ll... I’ll ...When I get hold of you.....

Janie
Well that’s not going to happen! See ya later (runs off)

Rosey
Me too! (exits)

Mother
Silly girl. Everyone knows that girls have girl germs.

Captain
I don’t know, Mother. It doesn’t sound right to me.

Mother
(to audience) Kids, you tell him. Girls have girl germs don’t they? (response - play accordingly, hopefully getting a loud response) Oh, what do you lot know! Listen Bartholomew, I am your Mother, and I am telling you the truth. Stay away from girls! (exits)

Captain
Alright Mother, and don’t call me Bartholomew! Anyway, I have to get meself some more crew so we can set sail. And I also need to find me that treasure map! That’s right me hearties, I am a Pirate Captain, but I can hardly tell me old Mother that, can I? It would break her heart. Especially as she wanted me to be a rubbish truck driver. Once I get me hands on that lovely treasure, she won’t care what it is I do. Right, I know that Captain Flint gave the map to one of his crew, but which one?(takes out a list of names) Was it Long John Silver? Or maybe Blind Pew? Or Billy Bones? Or Ben Gunn? How will I find him?

Janie
(sneaking back on) Billy Bones! Hmmm. It was a Mr Bones that gave me this doll for my birthday. He warned me to beware of a man with a wooden leg. Then he died. I wonder....(takes dolls head off and discovers map) A map! A treasure map!

Captain
What? What’s that about a map, lad? Oh, it’s you! The lass pretending to be a lad!

Janie
I’m not pretending anything.

Captain
Whatever you are, I want that treasure map! Give it to me.

Janie
No! Mr Bones gave it to me.

Captain
But I am bigger than you, so you better give it to me, or I will hurt you.

Janie
You’re a bully! If you don’t let me go with you, I will tell your Mum that you are a pirate!

Captain
What? Why you little..... Alright! But don’t let any of the lads know you are a girl. It would freak them out - they are a superstitious lot. You need a disguise. We need to dress you like a boy

Janie
OK, how about these things? (finds some old clothes lying around, and puts them on)

Captain
Good. Now you need to cover your hair somehow

Janie
(puts headscarf on) Like this?

Captain
Now your name. What do they call you?

Janie
Janie

Captain
Jim. Jimbo! Welcome aboard, Jimbo. Now give me the map!

Janie
How about I hang onto it until we get to the island. Just in case

Captain
Just in case what?

Janie
Look, Captain, I don’t trust you. So I will keep the map, and that way, you will have to keep your promise

Captain
(grumpily) Alright! (spits on his hand and holds it out to shake)

Janie
Ew!

Captain
It’s sealing the deal

Janie
OK (tries to spit on hand, but sneezes instead, they shake)

Captain
Right then. A few more crew, and we can be on our way

Janie
Great! And when we find the treasure, my half will help pay for our rent.

Captain
Your half? Your half?? You’ll be lucky if I let you live, you sniveling little mite! Hahaha! Your half!

Janie
Not just a bully, a selfish bully! Well, maybe I won’t give you the map, and I certainly don’t want to sail on your old ship

Captain
(draws sword) None of that, lad. We’ve got a deal. You want to sail the six seas...

Janie
Seven

Captain
Yeah, yeah, whatever. And I want to get Flints treasure. This is a win-win situation! Now get on board. Maybe if you do some work it will shut you up - start loading these supplies. Now I’m off to look for more crew, so keep working. (exits)

Janie
Mean old Captain. But he is right, I do want to sail the seven seas, and maybe I can teach him a few things while I am on board. Like not to be selfish and a bully. And maybe you (to audience) can help me. Whenever the Captain is selfish, or a bully, I will do the thumbs down sign, and I want you to boo as loudly as you can. Will you help me? Let’s have a try (work with audience on boo, and then thumbs up for yay) That should help him change, thanks. (starts working. Rosey enters)

Rosey
Janie, I want to come too

Janie
No Rosey, it’s too dangerous. Go home. I’ll be back soon, hopefully with enough money to pay the rent and get lots of food. Off you go.(exits)

Rosey
I really want to go on the ship. I know, I’ll disguise myself as the ship’s cat. Janie won’t know and everyone loves cats (exits)

Slyman
(Janie enters) Hello. Where can I find Captain Bart?

Janie
Who?

Slyman
Captain Bart. Are you deaf?

Janie
No. I don’t know a Captain Bart

Slyman
You don’t know Black Bart? You must be the only person in town who doesn’t

Janie
Black Bart? The meanest pirate Captain ever to sail......? Uh oh! Would his real name be Bartholomew?

Slyman
Well I hadn’t really thought about it, but I suppose Bart could be short for Bartholomew. Not that anyone would dare call him that

Janie
Except his Mother.

Slyman
Well, yes I suppose his Mother....look, can you just tell me where he is? I haven’t got time for an origins-of-names chat (Rosey enters as cat) Uh oh, a ca....a ca..... a choooooooo Get it out of here (achooooo) I’m alerg....alerg...achooo! to cats (sniff. Janie shoos cat away) Now where is Bart?

Janie
He went to look for more crew. He’s going to...(puts hand over mouth)

Slyman
What? He’s going to what?

Janie
Nothing. I don’t think I should tell you. I don’t even know who you are.

Slyman
I am a very good friend of the Captains. His financial backer, really. You can tell me anything.

Janie
Really?

Slyman
Really!

Janie
I don’t know

Slyman
Really!!

Janie
Well, I have a map that shows....

Captain
(entering) Slime man! I might have known you’d be snooping around.

Slyman
Hello Captain Bart...er, it’s Slyman

Captain
(to Janie) I hope you didn’t tell this slimy little worm anything. He’s a sneaky little good-for-nothing.

Janie
He said he was your financial backer. I thought he was your friend...

Captain
He might be my finansh..finan... he might give me money, but he is no friend of mine.

Slyman
Because you have no friends, Captain!

Captain
Clear off, Slimy!

Slyman
Fine. But I happen to know that you will be needing money for this trip. You know where to find me (exit)

Captain
I don’t like that man

Janie
He seems OK. You were very mean to him. Why do you always have to be so mean?

Captain
What do you know? You better not have told him about the map or I’ll cut ya tongue out (Janie does thumbs down - ‘boo’) And you lot can be quiet, too. Did ya tell him anything?

Janie
No

Captain
Good. Now get back to work. Get this stuff loaded on (both exit into ship).

... end of script sample.